Abusing slang with wild abandon.
Cursing is a pet peeve of mine, because I think it shows a lack of intelligence to resort to vulgar expressions. Especially when someone speaks English- it’s such an expansive language! There are plenty of ways to show depth of feeling without being crude. Maybe I also feel this way because most of the foul-mouthed people I’ve met have been ignorant or shallow or both. Since swearing is a major aggravation to me, I have fun finding suitable substitute words. These fall mostly into one of two categories.
1. Alternative vernacular.
For example: “What the… um, heck?” becomes “What the fluff?”
It’s better than using the notorious f word or taking the topic of eternal damnation lightly to merely express momentary confusion or dubious disbelief. It can also summon the feeling of awkwardness I get when ambushed by Fluff monsters in a game. The best part? These creatures have leaders known as Mother Fluffs. That makes a good exclamation.
Of course, my expressions tend to be kid-friendly, work safe, and silly sounding. It’s cool because no one else talks quite like I do. At the same time, I would probably have trouble expressing anger and have people take me seriously. At that point it’s best to bust out the frustrated grunts and aggravated growls and let fierce body language do all the communicating.
2. Outdated expressions.
Resurrecting outdated slang is totally tubular. People may laugh because the terms sound so wack and/or the sayings make no sense to them.
For Example: On a visit to my grandparent's house I went through a Reader's Digest magazine which had an article on slang. When I was done I pranced into the kitchen and said, "This is how Reader's Digest think my friends and I talk. 'Yo, wassup homies? Wanna veg in my tight crib? '" My parents were all, "I don't think you have to cram all the words into one sentence," and, "You don't, but kids in some neighborhoods do, to a lesser extent." And my grandma was all, "Ooh, that's how kids talk today! I read that in Reader's Digest!"
As a rule, the more dated the expression, the less likely you are to be understood- perfect for when you want to insult someone to their face without them knowing! When I went to Ashland for the Shakespeare Festival I saw a poster listing many of the insults the Bard had penned. And when a friend made a comment I’d told him many times I didn’t appreciate, I unleashed a torrent of antiquated smack talk, leaving him completely clueless as to what comebacks could possibly apply. Feel free to use this technique on any fusty nut with no kernel, festering canker blossom, taffeta punk, debile strumpet, dog fox not proved worth a blackberry, etc.
Anyway, what has made me smile every time I though of it for the last few days was my dad sympathizing with me over having to file a tax return for the first time ever. I had a paper route for a few months, but in the transition from old management to new and switching accounting systems, my poor boss had too much to handle. As a result he kept charging me for more papers than I actually sold and didn’t fix billing problems or broken racks and stuff. So I ended up not making any money. Then the state wanted a cut of the money I didn’t make. To top things off I couldn’t figure out the e-file process so I talked to a snippy lady on the phone who didn’t help, got put on hold where I had to wait at least 40 minutes to talk to someone unhelpful, and finally had to walk through the blazing heat to take care of it in person. Thus, when discussing the situation with my dad, he uttered a few nuggets of wisdom and this gem.
“You really got shafted in this whole paper business.”
My dad said “shafted.” That just tickles me so! It’s not something I expect him to say, and I feel a bit of pride that my old man can use my generation’s slang correctly. Not that our slang is off-limits or hard to figure out. Even if it was, he’s a smart guy. It was just weird, knowing him, to hear those words. I can’t help but grin every time I think of it.
* Secret of Mana Theater. You should be watching.
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